one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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