I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
