Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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