I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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