just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i out mim tonsoeep
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