my mouth tastes like poor choices
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
