Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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