i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
