if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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