Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
