I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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