Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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