I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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