I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
