How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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