Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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