all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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