and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
