it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
