i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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