My room smells like vodka and shame
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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