just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
