he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
