I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I came so hard my ears popped.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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