tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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