It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
