____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
