Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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