Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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