Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
