Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
