I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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