I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
