I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
