she woke up with a sticky ear
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
