I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
