Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
