update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
