My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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