Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
