I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
