i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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