What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
