you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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