I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
