I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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