Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
