Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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