seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
