laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
