remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
there is glitter all over my balls
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
